Ten Signs That You Are In An Opera, And What To Do Next

1. You are extremely moved, but not 100% sure why.
2. You gasp.
3. Your diet consists almost entirely of exotic fruits and / or poison.
4. You swoon.
5. You find yourself at a fateful feast.
6. You struggle to control your gestures. What you intended to be a subtle smile came out as a full-blown, tongue sticking-out, wink and grin.
7. You are eating a pineapple, and you are astonished.
8. Nobody recovers from illness. Doctors are shockingly unhelpful.
9. The more worked-up you get, the higher your voice goes.
10. The only thing standing between you and your loved one is three octaves.

So you're in an opera: you find that you are compelled to sing far higher than you would like to; everything is very elaborate, and all you really want is a tub of Ben & Jerry's. Now what?

1. If you aren't entirely sure what somebody is saying (sorry, singing), just smile and nod / look sad depending on their expression. You can't go wrong.
2. If you're still confused, don't worry – just wait until the chorus back come on; they'll give you a quick recap of events thus far.
3. Be aware that, if two people make eye contact and smile, they are probably having an affair.
4. If you're trying to work somebody out, just listen to the music backing them up: minor chord? Watch out.
5. DON'T DRINK THAT
6. Don't sit in Box Five. On that note, don't stand underneath chandeliers.
7. Put the pineapple down; you look ridiculous.
8. If you find yourself wearing a heavy, dark dress, you've probably done / are about to do something terrible.
9. If you're wearing an excessive amount of blusher, you are probably in a comic opera. That being the case, you'll be able to get away with absolutely anything – so have fun!
10. If you're not wearing an excessive amount of blusher, try not to get yourself killed.

See also: Ten Signs That You Are In A... Comedy, Musical, Tragedy