Titanique The Musical Review: Did the Show Sink or Swim?
Published on 20 March 2025
Last updated on 21 March 2025
The film is over 25 years old now, so Leo has obviously lost interest—but thankfully, Céline Dion has not!
The show kicks off at a Titanic Museum, whereby a mystery-witch figure interrupts the tour to dramatically whip off her bin-bag hood to reveal herself as none other than Céline Dion, claiming to have survived the sinking of the RMS Titanic over 100 years ago. (I will personally be writing a complaint to Titanic Belfast because the attraction was severely lacking in the Céline department when I went last summer!)
And so begins the next hour and 40 minutes of campy, hilarious hijinks, led by our MC for the evening, Céline, who retells the story her way and manages to shoehorn herself into every core memory that happened in the Titanic movie. From entwining herself around Cal to literally lying in front of Rose during the ‘paint me like one of your French girls’ scene, and yes, even the iconic violin solo. Brilliant!
Céline is played by Lauren Drew, and there was SO much ‘lurrrve’ for her from the audience. She steps, nay, strides and high-kicks into the larger-than-life persona with her jaw-dropping vocals, classic arm choreography, Québécois French accent, exaggerated intonation and OTT delivery. With her side-splitting one-liners and thigh-splitting sequin gold dress, she is the perfect impersonator.
In this version, Jack Dawson (Rob Houchen) is described as an ‘ageing twink’, sporting a ‘knockoff Newsies outfit’, mainly interested in cat portraiture and other doodles. Rose, played by the brilliant Kat Ronney, spends most of the show being bullied by her mother Ruth, who is brought to life by Stephen Guarino. He supplied a huge helping of comedy in the show with his non-stop barrage of “STFU Rose! / Rose, we’re dirt poor; these pearls are from TK Maxx. / Rose, you didn’t go outside, did you? This isn’t Sunset Boulevard; we don’t have the budget for that!’ Ruth is also obsessed with Grindr aficionado Cal; forever preening about buying the Heart of the Ocean from Claire’s. The necklace is a character in its own right by this point, and let’s not forget the Captain, too busy doing Molly (no, not Molly Brown) and singing the same lyric over and over again in a drug-fuelled frenzy to notice the iceberg… Personified as Tina Turner, you say? Just roll with it!
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but other highlights included Céline, first in line at the dinner buffet, becoming ‘so sh*tfaced’ she can’t remember what happened and swiftly instructed Jack and Rose into a riotous ‘improvised’ Wicked movie scene instead. Plus panto-style gags aplenty, with hilariously savage swipes at other musicals. The comedy is relentless. It’s in the spoof-style reminiscent of Scary Movie 2 and Not Another Teen Movie – great to see on a West End stage.
Musically, standouts included “Because You Loved Me”, “River Deep, Mountain High”, "My Heart Will Go On" (obvs amazing), "All By Myself", "To Love You More", "Beauty and the Beast", and, yes, "Who Let the Dogs Out", because this is Céline’s party and she can do what she wants! There is enough vocal talent in this cast to sink a 50,000-tonne ship.
The parody musical distils all the best bits of the film into a neatly packaged 1h 40m of pure tidal-wave chaos. And saves me from sitting through the full 3h 14m movie again, which, let’s be honest, drags after the ‘hand on steamed-up window’ scene.
If the Titanic’s furnaces had been fuelled by this many one-liners and this level of talent, the Ship of Dreams would have made it to Nuevo York in record time!
Titanique is playing at the Criterion Theatre. Book your tickets today
